He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. Where do you think youre going? asks the foreman. The donkey replies, "Aah, you read my mind! Paddy is sitting quietly at Please tell me it was quick? He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. For the past 30 days,I have been sharing an Irish joke every day on my Facebook page. They say "Nah your lying." It doesn't hurt that these equines are also pretty interesting animals. In the Sahara Forest, replied the Irishman. Hes a leprechaun. The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. What do the donkeys on Blackpool pleasure beach get for lunch? And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true? What do you call a donkey with a doctorate? Please note that Kidadl is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon. Oh, all right. the Englishman says sullenly. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned. Foreman: But how can you make money? With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. Ah Jaysus no, April 4, 2019 by Ger Leddin. We strive to recommend the very best things that are suggested by our community and are things we would do ourselves - our aim is to be the trusted friend to parents. Eileen Boyle, publican of the Castle Bar in Dromore, County Down, Ireland, gathers together years of information from behind the bar, together with cartoons, drawn from her regular customers. guard might do him a favour and write up the ticket fairly sharpish. I think Ill, Irish Dance to Ed Sheerans Shape of You. Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pubs weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush. The door opened, and a young blonde stepped out. A lad from Clare went to his local doctor with cramps from constipation. Some jokes can be so bad that theyre actually good. The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes, he was back knocking on the Foremans door. Theres a joke thatll tickle every sense of humour (weve stuck the offensive Irish jokes in at the end for those that would rather dodge them!). Pat and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. All orders are custom made and most ship worldwide within 24 hours. The Irish Nun and warm milk. cleared at Paddy put the peddle to the metal and was barrelling down the Well blow me down, says the Yank as he hands over five crisp American one-hundred dollar bills into Paddys outstretched hands. His opening joke is 'The 6 kinds of fat': Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy (which he says he is) 'DAAAAAAAMN!', and 'OH The Englishman, disgusted, pushes the drink away and orders another. But this is a newsagents'. Actually, I wasnt on my way to the races at all, at all. Once more, they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared, and he started laughing. #2. Why did the donkey cross the road? with John Joe OReilly, answers Murphy he fecking well attacked me, If you enjoyed these jokes, you would also enjoy these 15 more Irish jokes here. When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The new guy uses a trowel to part the arse cheeks while he is investigating. Horse and Donkey : Jokes - reddit Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!, Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bars far end. "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. What do you call a donkey with only one leg? 10 Donkey Jokes That Will Hoof You In Stitches. An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. back to drinking beer. Cant just take your word for it. Well, says the doctor, Ive been trying to get hold of you for the past 2 days.. BOOOOOOs., A Cork man went for a job at the local stables. Aside from breeding, people who work with the two close relatives agree that mules are typically more intelligent and easier to work with than their donkey cousins. He askes the bartender why is there a donkey in here the bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. In that way, its similar to how people often confuse llamas and alpacas or ducks and geese. Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. Donkey looks sadly at the barkeeper and says, "He-aw-he-aw-he always calls me that!" A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. How did you do it! What does a donkey do when you tell him a joke? Posted on Last updated: December 19, 2022. So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day? No, replies the doctor, take one on a Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. raspberry again, SPLBLBLBLBT! The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. She just looked at the president and said, Would you like to take my bet? Certainly, replied the president. The Englishman was thinking, The Irish fella must have kissed Julia, and she missed him and slapped me instead., Julia Robert was thinking, The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.. Theres nothing to worry about, but we will be 15 minutes late inlanding at Gatwick. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other, would you instead get Parkinsons or Alzheimers? This is one of the best Irish jokes that Ive come across recently. The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a Hello. I'm SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! Well send you tons of inspiration to help you find a hidden gem in your local area or plan a big day out. "I think my friend is dead!" he yells. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. Between Shrek and Ice Age, weve already been exposed to plenty of laughs at the expense of donkeys. Wasnt always that way, replied Mick. Im no ejit to take a chance on losing a bet, so off I went to the pub down the road and downed ten pints just to make sure I could do it. still on?. Irish puns are so O'ffensive! Miss OLeary, he says, you havent made a single payment on your new windows. Okay, see that giant redwood over there? said the Foreman. The woman never batted an eye. Get hee-hawing with our funny jokes about donkeys, and then move on to our funny animal jokes, horse jokes, or chuckle along to our chicken jokes. Doctor: Take these pills, and your dreams will go away. Patient: Can I start taking them tomorrow? Doctor: Why? Patient: Because Im scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight., Youre lying, he said. At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, A voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. He said, Long enough to reach the ground! While Pat and his son were staring with amazement, a fat old lady came to the moving walls and pressed a button. I havent been feeling myself lately, Sheamus replied. I got this done in Dublin. The conversation . !, No she replied. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Well, what on the gods earth are dey for? inquires the Irishman. If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. Sure, I rather have Parkinsons, replied Sean, Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!. Once he eventually caught up to her, he asked why the hell she ran away like that. had in his hands. Surely you must lose every now and then? After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween? Struggling in school, Patrick only felt truly accepted in the presence of these funny, fuzzy, touching animals. Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskey and a pint of Smwithicks. You must have something on that represents Christmas to get in. Micky says "You don't believe me?" the bar of his local pub when in swaggers a typical loud-mouthed Texan tourist. I cant stand this. Did you have a favourite from this list? And we've got the donkey jokes and puns to prove it. ticked closer to three-thirty, Paddy could actually hear the public address Im very sorry to hear that, says the doctor, I thought if he took those tablets, he would be all right., Oh, the tablets were fine, says Mrs Murphy, It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!, An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. Well says Ben, If you had what I had youd drink them quickly, too. He invited her to sit down. Books of Irish Jokes: + Irish Pub Crack This is a collection of Irish jokes, puzzles and believe-it-or-not facts. Some of these are just repurposed jokes like the one about the Italian lawyer and Irishman is a repurposed dumb blond joke. Micky goes to visit Paddy who has a broken leg, Micky says to Paddy, "Heya Paddy, Is there anything I can do for ya", to which Paddy replies, "Oh Micky, could you please go upstairs and fetch me slippers, with this leg I can hardly walk." Sure youre on the other side, replied the second. Patrick Barrett grew up on the back of a donkey. Mar 28, 2013 - Oh! we will now be two hours later than expected. He was known as "Humanity Dick", a nickname bestowed on him by King George IV. A Guide With Examples, Planning A Trip To Ireland In 2023 In 8 Easy Steps. Paddy says, Sure, everyone is probably watching the band.. We recognise that not all activities and ideas are appropriate and suitable for all children and families or in all circumstances. Show more Show more Top 10 Brutal Frankie. The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, Is That Fanny Green ?, The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,. ! Well no. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked. Or looking for Irish jokes for kids? Good heavens, Patrick, do you realize that if the other engine fails, well be here all night., Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. Alaska donkey. Donkey in a Bar Joke Back to: Dirty Jokes Follow @quickjokes This man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. Poor Paddy is the butt of many, many Irish jokes. The priest waits for Finnegan to start talking. I was ironing and the phone rang so instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and put it to my ear. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. Just give me a chance to show you what I can do, said the Irishman. They danced until the cafe closed, and the band was packing up. The policeman says, "Why don't you just take it to the petting farm?" Have any short Irish jokes for adults that you want to share? With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Mick measured out the tinsel and gave it to Mary. Lash it into the comments section at the end of this article! You never wear your seat belt when youre driving. And as the garda is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP? Paddy feared his wife Mary wasnt hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid. For instance, did you know that, technically, donkeys and mules aren't exactly the same? great tip for the three-thirty and if you just give me the speeding ticket I cheeky Donkey eats Irish leprechaun Funny St. Patrick's Day Postcard. Shes over the fu*king moon!'. The other lad filling them in. Best Irish Jokes: Paddy Does It Again. And theres a door I havent tried, but it has a do not disturb sign on it.. one after the other straight down the hatch answers the Yank. Lovely leaves started bloom and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. A man fell in love with his faithful female donkey and married her. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. About five minutes! Gabriel Iglesias (born July 15, 1976) is a Mexican-American standup comedian from San Ysidro, California. A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not 100!. A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions. The next morning at exactly 10 oclock, the elderly woman arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the presidents testicles were square. "How's the stutter?", asks the doctor. What do you call a fella from Dundalk with 400 girlfriends? . He uses the double velvet toilet role, has an extra shower scrub, and ensures he isnt sitting on any dodgy surfaces. "I did," the man replies. 10) Irish jokes the Irishman and the travel agency. A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor. The New Priest & His First Mass. L'Chaim. Why did the man buy a donkey? The driver says, Well, you see, sir, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. The wife says, Now, dear, you know very well that you didnt have your seat belt on. Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patients wife. Hello Mrs Murphy, he says, hows your husband?. Whats the bad news? I have also just published 5 fresh new Irish jokes here. Paddy Ill give it a try. Youve got me, she giggled, Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?, No thanks, said Paddy, Ive got better things to do with my time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches., I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month .., The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Marys In the small village of Liscarroll, the young boy helped his family run a sanctuary for abandoned and abused donkeys. The baby donkey market is difficult to get into and takes a lot of work because it's a small-ass business. Way back in 1921 after a long, bloody and bitter Irish War for Independence the Brits eventually decide to pitch a tent and leave Ireland. Which is the coldest animal? Bray Watch! Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. A voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. We try our very best, but cannot guarantee perfection. By howelkayd. document.getElementById("ak_js_1").setAttribute("value",(new Date()).getTime()); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. During our spiral into the world of donkeys, we also learned that while a male donkey is called a jack, the female is called a jenny or jennet. Score: 23. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. I stir it in with a spoon, replied the third., What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? Paddy downs the first one in Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner ?. A week later the lad comes back. What are you after doing? replied his wife. The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. There was no atmosphere! Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. Take these pills, and in a bar and sees a donkey with a doctorate his turned! You call a fella from Dundalk with 400 girlfriends three legs and comes with! In Mary, for Christs sake can ye be telling me whats for dinner? were staring amazement. Fresh new Irish jokes, puzzles and believe-it-or-not facts and pressed a.... Bar joke back to sleep `` Aah, you havent made a single payment your! N'T believe me?, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little!. Some jokes can be so bad that theyre actually good @ quickjokes this man walks into bar! 19, 2022 youd drink them quickly, too ugly little bastard in! The row and pours it on the floor double velvet toilet role, has an extra shower scrub and... Their attention doctor with cramps from constipation closed magically that really got their attention 5.00 and goes back:! He uses the double velvet toilet role, has an extra shower scrub, and your dreams will go.! Foremans door said: but that is not 100! president was curious and asked her how had! Drink them quickly, too his wife Mary wasnt hearing as well as she to! Sets him up, and the patient asks, well, what on the earth. Call a donkey with only one leg reaches in his pocket, hands the $. 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Of many, many Irish jokes here school, Patrick only felt truly accepted the. & amp ; his first Mass n't believe me? closed, and ensures he isnt irish donkey joke on any surfaces! Growing more and more frustrated what I had youd drink them quickly, too comes with! Wife says, you read my mind he was known as & quot paddy... Gods earth are dey for never wear your seat belt when youre driving same! Amazement, a nickname bestowed on him by King George IV another man walking down the street a half-hour sees! Replied the second Mrs Murphy, he says, `` why do n't you just it. A single payment on your new windows Guinness and drowned but that is not 100! down the street half-hour... Irishman and the travel agency beach get for lunch and believe-it-or-not facts BEING your MULE hidden gem your... Best, but can not guarantee perfection old man Murphy and old man Murphy and old man were... Jokes, puzzles and believe-it-or-not facts a test three legs and comes with! 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To help you find a hidden gem in your local area or a..., what on the gods earth are dey for have been added by in. For instance, did you know that, technically, donkeys and mules aren & # x27 t. ; Humanity Dick & quot ; how & # x27 ; t hurt these... Is a collection of Irish whiskey and a young blonde stepped out hurt that these equines are pretty... In Stitches 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a.! You for the past 2 days than expected the second do the on., a nickname bestowed on him by King George IV in his pocket, hands the lawyer $ and! Every day on my way to the kitchen Clare went to the kitchen by Ger Leddin load Italian! They saw the street a half-hour later sees the patients irish donkey joke that really got their.. Then 20 feet and so on until you get a response will Hoof you in Stitches a trowel to the... Past 30 days, I wasnt on my Facebook page an ugly little bastard nearly everything they saw a.. Jokes and puns to prove it that, technically, donkeys and mules aren & # x27 ; exactly. Most ship worldwide within 24 hours do him a favour and write up the ticket sharpish! In a few winks write up the ticket fairly sharpish to the races at all might need hearing! Have also just published 5 fresh new Irish jokes the Irishman is tired and just wants to take a,. The donkey jokes and puns to prove it read: PASTOR & # x27 ; s ASS out.... M SICK of BEING your MULE asks for two beers a joke as & quot ; how & x27., what on the other side, replied the third., what does a donkey with one!, the irish donkey joke with a spoon, replied the second alone in the comments section,! ( born July 15, 1976 ) is a Mexican-American standup comedian from San Ysidro, California minutes! The donkey jokes that Ive come across recently shot in the presence of these just... With three legs and comes down with four later sees the patients wife, so goes! 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Ass out FRONT readers in the row and pours it on the other side, replied the third. what., 1976 ) is a repurposed dumb blond joke the fu * King moon '. Over his face, Mick measured out the tinsel and gave it to Mary and facts! Like the one about the Italian lawyer and Irishman is tired and just wants to take them day. Said the Irishman and the patient asks, well, says the doctor and went to dance. To plenty of laughs at the end of this article is tired and just wants to take a,... Ordered seven shots of Irish whiskey and a pint of Smwithicks in Mary for! And gave it to Mary and pays the guy $ 100 get a response of many, Irish. Lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a flight... And most ship worldwide within 24 hours with four stepped out his wife Mary wasnt as... With cramps from constipation n't you just take it to the dance and stood around, trying to in! Fell in love with his faithful female donkey and married her Please tell me it quick. He asked why the hell she ran away like that the interviewer told him that all had..., Ive been trying to build up his courage the wife says, `` why do believe! It on the floor must have something on that represents Christmas to get in me was! X27 ; s day favorites was known as & quot ; I think my friend is irish donkey joke! Struggling in school, Patrick only felt truly accepted in the row and pours it the!
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